INTRINSIC FEAR OF THAT WHICH CANNOT BE SELF REGULATED;THE LOOP. WHAT REQUIRED EXTERNAL STIMULI. WHAT BUILDS UNTIL IT BECOMES TOO UNWEILDY TO DO ANYTHING BUT SELF ABORT. BIDING TIME. THE PROBLEM GROWS LIKE A GRADIENT FROM SAND BEACH TO SAND BEACH AND BACK AGAIN. BETWEEN PLANE RIDES (AM I CONTRIBUTING TO THE PROBLEM?). BETWEEN MOON LANDINGS (HOW I WISH I COULD HAVE SET FOOT ON A GROUND SO PERFECT) KNOWING THAT REMOVING OURSELVES FROM THE PICTURE MAKES EVERYTHING SMALL (AND THAT'S THE SIN!) FOREST THROUGH THE TREES, RIGHT? BUT IM STANDING HERE AS A CHAINSAW ROARS IN THE DISTANCE AND THE TREE I REST MY BACK ON IS CREAKING UNDER ITS OWN WEIGHT; THE INSIDE OF TREES ARE HOLLOW, DEAD, AND LEARNING THAT DISTURBED ME TO AN UNTOLD DEGREE.
I USED TO THINK THAT THE INFINATE POLAR SUMMER WOULD DRIVE ME MAD BUT IF THE SUN REFUSES TO SET I WOULD BE UNABLE TO KNOW IF THE OTHER STARS WERE GONE. AND TO THAT END I KEEP RETURNING HOME TO MY SCHRODINGER'S LOVER AND PRETENDING THAT AMBIGUITY IS SECURITY WHEN IN FACT I KNOW THAT AT ANY MOMENT THE TREE WILL FALL, AND I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO KNOW WHICH WAY IT WILL LAND.
AS A CHILD I WANTED TO GO TO SPACE, AND AS A GRADE SCHOOLER I WISHED TO VISIT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, AND AS A YOUNG ADULT I WANTED THE RHYTHYM OF MY CAREER TO TOSS ME LIKE A BOAT IN THE WAVES. AND NOW I WANT TO GO HOME, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT IT WOULD CHANGE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
PROXIMITY BECOMES THE GAME, BECAUSE COLD CREATES WROUGHT ANGER, AND THINGS PULL APART AND PUSH TOGETHER, ALL VERY, VERY SLOWLY. THE EARTH LIES RAW UNDER OUR FEET AND WE SCRAMBLE ACROSS IT BARELY UNDERSTANDING UNTIL WE FALL ON THE PAVEMENT AND RIP OPEN, AND THEN IT IS THE SAME FEELING IN TWO SHAPES.
I CANNOT COMPREHEND THE BRUTALITY OF THE PLANE, HOW IT CUTS (PATHS/SKIN) SO VIOLENTLY, LEAVING (OIL/BLOOD) BEHIND.